moved to word press

sadly i had forgotten about this blog. (darn hard drive for crashing.)

head on over to my wordpress blog.

Time to bring in the Meds

it sucks that it had to come to that. But i cant do it any more just by myself. I cant run myself into the ground to keep other things off of my mind. I need the help. Normal outlets that worked before have little or no effect on me. That's what's upsetting. Or maybe i worked myself up really good. Maybe i have gotten into a path that is destructive to my health. I probably should take a class on how to relax. 

I think i am going to have to do some pleading with strangers. To have faith and let me in. Faith that i can do the job that another department thought that i was qualified that i could complete at their school. Doesn't that count for something? What does a standardized test evaluate? It doesn't measure anything i have learned in the classroom in any upper level classes that i have taken. it is completely un-useful to anyone.

ugh.

So i haven't written in a long while. I used to enjoy writing. Now it's kind of a trigger for my spiral downward. Im just tired of it all. i want to just stop and sleep for a long time. at least a day or so. Im mostly tired. i want to do so much...and yet i have worked so hard for this and it might get pulled from under me. I hate that i have the spot but not the education. how is that possible? oh bc GW is so hoity toity that they make their own rules. im angry, tired, stressed, and pissed. don't stand in my way people.

at the tower...

so i thought it would be different right now. this whole semester. i thought it would be a breeze. i wouldn't have any major problems... boy was i wrong and its only been 5 weeks. i will take the summer back and my main worry was toggling between the cardinals and field hockey. ah those were the days. i never thought i would have said that...

the library will soon be my second home. i have to start sleeping more. i need to start writing lots of papers... damn writing major and minor. (and internship for that matter).

i think my parents are serious about having my grad party at the tower... oh who to invite.

what to do.

back on fb...its not as exciting as it used to be. I guess I'm weird. 

So I'm wondering about the 500 point drop by the Dow today. I really didn't hear much about it on the news...granted I'm watching baseball but still. BBC is calling it Meltdown Monday...and it could have been worse is what it reports. I don't have much money but i like the little amount that i do have, ya know?

He talked to me on Sunday...but it was light and one-dimensional. i guess i fucked up another good guy friendship again. 

Field hockey WON!!

I want to share that FIELD HOCKEY WON 8-0 against Lindenwood tonight. And they played it on TV!!!

We also have the best athletic team record so far this season!!!

I signed up for the GRE

I now have to take the GRE at 9 am on Oct. 17. Please keep me in your positive thoughts section of your brain on this date. I am gonna need any help i can get. Also if you see me later in the day, and Im a zombie...you know why! lol. 

Now i have to actually start studying. LOL.

for the time being i don't have a fb account. one less distraction. I have a feeling due to the recent events on saturday, i am gonna throw myself into work and kinda the sorority. leave no time to dwell on him. Im sad that it came to this. I would just like an answer. Not avoidance. That probably hurts worse. 

Tonight is a pretty night to take a walk... to bad i have no one to do that with. and i actually have time to do it. 

getting something off my chest

so i don't really know what i should do... about really anything. a particular boy, life after school, life in the present... anything.

i had convinced myself i was just gonna be friends with this boy... now he just confuses me. it seems every time that i talk to him i find something else that upsets me about what he does or says. I'm not sure but i doubt that is a good thing. I know i am not perfect either, far from it, but be honest or at least stick to what you say. But one good part about our weird ass friendship was that only one part of my world knew who he was and now my worlds are mixing. I have tried very hard to keep them all separate... and i don't know if i like it. I have worked pretty damn hard to keep it all juggled correctly... and balls are falling. 

Just a little something.

It has been requested that since I haven't written on here for over a month, that i write at least something.

Something.

No, I kid. Its just been kicked into third gear on stuff needing to get done for school and dealing with sports info and the cards.

I got to use some of my very limited spanish knowledge today. I explained llamame was call me to someone higher than me in the office. I felt special...and odd. I haven't used that in a while.

drunk dial/text

All star game and home run derby have come and gone. Those were tiring but very cool to be a part of. I only saw the last two batters of the derby. and most of the game though i talked a lot to the media that needed baby-sitting.

Friday night was the most entertaining. I went to Trolleys with my brother and his friends and -ended up seeing two-No there. Two-No eventually ended up drunk calling me and texting me. it was pretty freaking hilarious. of all the drunk dials/text i have gotten i wasn't expecting him to do it. at least not that weekend. he kept me up until 2 or so. he just didn't get a hint. Talking to him was the funniest because he says two words before his friend took his phone from him. It was pretty funny because his friend kept asking me questions like if we were dating or anything...so he knows ... IDK what. he couldn't take a hint that i wanted to go to bed. LOL

Survived the trip to KC...smelled like smoke. Royals lost. Got a water bottle from UMKC Greek life. i found it humorous. i walked their pretty compact campus.

the scouts are chatting it up behind me. hehehe.

Yeah...ok...sure

I am a mono candidate. I should be anyways. Almost done with the guide. which is good so i can help with other stuff here when he leaves. only a few more days and i won't even be here to see him leave. crazy right? i will definitely have to pay my respects. sheesh he's not dead just retiring. 

I leave for KC tonight! i hope we have fun. way up in the nose bleeds. lets hope.

stop

Its wedding mania around here. Its not a bad thing. Honest. I am happy for them. 

I think i have relinquished the thought of TV guy. I am going to just stop. Sure i will be nice to him. I have to because of both of my jobs. flirting will stop outside of those areas.

semi run over.

and today i feel like crap. like i got ran over with a semi. and i have gotten stuff done. not what i absolutely needed to get done. (i blame the home stand.) so here i go to work on stuff again.

I need sleep. summer is supposed to be easier. now I'm wondering if i get a lighter load with classes going on. I doubt it. 

One friend got married and one is now engaged. And one to come in the next month. 33 days to be exact. i think...  weather sucks... muggy and a chance of rain. summer colds. 

I am going to KC Thursday-Saturday. gonna see a royals game, UMKC, the plaza, and my grandma. ooo maybe she will send some rice home with me!

epic.

I'm about to declare that I'm physically drained. it sucks. eight games is draining and all the crazy shit that has been happening. the rain to day was star wars epic. it should have had its own theme song. only a 22 minute delay. fun. i want to curl up in a ball and go back to bed. 

wow long time has gone by since i wrote on this. oopsy. it got real busy and hectic. Radio with his stones yet to pass...my arms feel like they are being pulled down like if they were taffy.

i miss my nose ring. i now have the money to get a tattoo too. i should ponder these things more when i have more energy to actually thoroughly think about it. 

sports TV guy has moved past my yellowed hair sister. he told me via text. interesting. 

First day of June

Ah, the first day of June. in 8 days i have to start my summer school internship journal. five days is my day birthday. i got Ralph three years ago on the sixth, but changed it to the third because it was 6.6.06. Yeah not good for that dog to have that in his favor.

i had fun last night. it was a total blast from the past. We attempted to play putt-putt golf at fun acre but the line was horrendous so we went to Andy's for dollar concretes and ran into a bunch of random people. then i was left there briefly for a potty run and i got bored and text sports TV guy. tho he didn't get back to me until later while we took a lap for good old times. it was fun to turn my brain off when no liquor was involved.

didn't get the field hockey guide done. eh, oh well. like the coach said it won't go to print until august. thats it for now, i guess.

small update

My coach is two hours behind me in another country. I just want this week to end. I want to sleep in. To 9 a.m. that's all i ask. Nap during some tennis or golf. laze around for once. 

I was going to type something really important here (Stop snickering.) but i can't remember it. You are just going to live in bated breath.

Oh small update: getting closer to the finishing. Still no word from the coach tho.

"Silly People"

ah, well yes. I am without a car. its been a week since the wreak. one of my bosses at Sports Info traced it all back to getting to walk on the grass. but then revenge must have been exacted today when they spent 5-6 hours fixing the infield that they forgot to tarp.

"silly people." direct quote from a text from Sara.

any way. I'm having hand cramps because i have been typing so much. I have to get most of the field hockey guide done by Friday and work on the baseball cards for Cardinals. The Cards started a 6-game home stand tonight. 

I survived the trip to Chicago. the gas prices are so much nicer than the $4.19 up there. 

A quick update

Oh so much has happened to me since wednesday. Actually everything seems to have started on wednesday. I got hit in the parking lot at the Cardinals by an actual employee. The car might be totalled even though it can still drive, i can't open the front passenger door. i left that for my dad to deal with. 

Yes, I am in Chicago right now. Well Northbrook, IL. for my cousin's wedding. It hasn't been so bad yet. Left really late Thursday got in really early Friday. got chocolate chip pancakes and some sleep. went to the rehearsal luncheon ate some seafood and kept it down so there is a small victory.

Talked to Sara most of the way to the hotel via text and Sports TV guy won News Hottie.  and then he asked about my old blond half at the cardinals. WTF? she has a boyfriend. Not cool my friend, not cool. well then while at the luncheon, he calls me. but doesn't answer a text that i sent him if he really meant to call me.

 but eh. im not in the state of missouri. that is a victory right there. thought it is nullified by the fact that we are traveling in a minivan with arkansas license plates. 

And deep breath...Im out.

I write from the press box at Hammons. I shit you not. the other team is taking BP and the hum of the kerosene cans that is heating up the food holders is so comforting...eye roll. Any way today is the last game of this short home stand. it was also team picture day with the team amidst a 10-game losing streak and with tomorrow being an off/travel day... i hope they relax and win one...finally.

Um and there's a train. Zim, in his mo-hawk glory, is doing stairs...eye roll. I half wonder if it is in solidarity with the Bears starting the Valley tourney in two days. If only the Bears would have swept UNI...but they still would have been second to WSU.

Sheesh i am a dork...about sports. I am sooo cool. Boy department is kinda lacking...I still haven't voted for a news-hottie ... LOL! I really don't do that kind of thing... but i do love listening to ...oh hey, i could do that right now...hehehe.

Bright spot of the day, wait for it, wait for it... I got to walk on the field. Of course, i was with mike but i was right behind the pitching mound. Mike was rambling...and i was in awe. THAT WAY SO FRICKEN AWESOME! like a good little JA i didn't walk on the grass until i was told i could. It was so soft between my toes...i slightly understand why the grounds guy doesn't like MSU on it unless necessary. I wouldn't either...that's what he gets paid to do, ya know. It is slightly ridiculous but damn...it was soft. Again i am a sports dork.

Summer... I stayed up til 1 reading a good book, (Sara, and it wasn't Nora Roberts!) It was awesome, i just have to remember that i need to take something so my feet won't hurt the next day...damn cement stairs.

WHew. that was a long post. It might be awhile til i write again. Gotta go to a wedding in Chicago over memorial weekend. Text if you are bored. I think i get to watch another cousin run in the Chiago Marathon...cool. I guess. I just want to sit in the Chicago Public Library off Michigan Avenue. I just want to sit still and do nothing, but read. They have these great big Lion statues guarding the building...when the Bears (football team) was doing well in the playoffs a few years ago they put helmets on the lions...It was funny looking. it was also so cold that winter the helmets cracked.

and deep breath....Im out.